Go and make your plans

life will crash them anyway!
That is truly something I learned. And I’m still working on accepting it! Not being able to decide, but having decisions been made for me. Will take some time til I can live with that, cause there’s some mighty anger getting a hold of me everytime I think about it more deeply. And that’s in vain, cause there’s nothing and noone I could or should be angry with. My parents get the feeling I behave like a child that didn’t get what it wanted and I know I act like one. But I feel like I don’t want to be nice and happy and smiling around them, but show them that I do not accept sitting and waiting. Even though I should do that and there’s really no use blaming them. They didn’t shake the earth and send tsunami waves all over Japan. No person can be held responsible. I need to learn that soon, cause I know I will be disappointing people soon if I don’t start to accept it. They did not want it to happen either!
And it’s good to see people and sit and talk and laugh. But I cannot enjoy it fully for in the back of my mind there is this persistent thought that I shouldn’t be all merry while my Japanese friends go through really tough times.
Anyway, life is strange! Gotta learn to deal with that. I know I could reaaaally enjoy my stay if I had a date set for returning to Japan. But since I don’t I feel trapped. 
Dear one friend who is reading this: I’m sorry, I know I’m not fair. And that I’m very childish and immature. I will work on accepting all this and try to get strength from it rather than letting it bring me down.
There are moments that I feel I am losing sanity. That this, in the end, is crashing me. Usually, when I feel so low, so down, at some point it’s too much so my survival senses kick in and I get a kind of natural high, feel good again, feel like fighting. Maybe that is yet to come, but so far all I feel is energy being drained from my body and soul. At least when I am alone – when I am with friends I feel good. Once I enter the house, it all comes back. It’s just a hollow place I hate to be in and I want to escape. Off off to Cologne!
Maybe I’m traumatized or just missing my boyfriend like hell. And my second home. I dont know. But I should suck it up and buck up, brace myself.
For I’ve got the awesome-est friends there are 🙂
Life is strange strange strange. Now is the time to learn and understand and I should not miss this opportunity. And music is, next to friends, helping a lot to put my mind at ease… so here they go, my present playlist:
– Rip Slyme – Super Shooter
– kreva feat. 草野マサムネ from SPITZ – くればいいのに(kure ba ii no ni)
– Adele – Set Fire to the Rain
– Yuzu – また会える日まで (Mata aeru hi made, Bis zu dem Tag an dem wir uns wiedersehen)
– Adele – Turning Tables
– Cat Stevens – Wild World
– Bonnie Pink – Last Kiss (die Lyrics passen SO perfekt!)
– Robyn – Dream On
– William Fitzsimmons – So This Is Good Bye (Pink Ganter Remix)
– Florence and the Machine – Blinding
– Patrice – Speeding Into The Dark
… and more. Music is gooooood.


One thought on “Go and make your plans

  1. hey babe :)I can fully understand you. Please don’t think my strange mood yesterday evening was your fault. I would be exactly like you if I experienenced what you did and you don’t have to explain yourself for it. I am sorry if I sometimes don’t act like I should :(And, one last thing:I think all your freinds in Japan are happy that you are safe and want you to have a good time in your homecountry. They know that you have the will to come back to them soon. I bet they dont want you to be sad all the time because they worry about you just like you do about them. 🙂

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