If all that grows starts to fade, starts to falter …

Since I’m back, I felt like I weigh way too much. Well, not that much, but I just felt uneasy about my weight and uncomfortable in my own body. That probably added to stress and depressed feelings, anger and disappointment. Missing friends, work, food, mountains…
I started to eat only few things during a day, maybe a natural yogurt. For a few days I could eat only yogurt, and maybe fruits. When I went to the supermarket, all I saw was things I couldn’t eat. Really,when I looked at even normal bread or noodles, I felt like I couldn’t eat it.
Above that, I started doing sports on a daily basis.
Of course this behaviour made me lose weight, but apart from that it made me even more stressed. From time to time you are forced to eat other stuff than yogurt and afterwards I’d always feel bad. And it would made me gain weight again, since my body thought I’d be in a state of lacking proper food, so any nutritious food would make me gain kilos right away. This, in return, made me feel bad again since I couldn’t loose weight really.
In the end, this kind of behaviour is rather self destructive and doesn’t go anywhere good, so I told myself to stop this.
Now I eat and try to eat enough everyday so my body gets the energy and vitamins it needs. I still do sports to build up more muscles and become stronger. What I eat now is dark bread, rice, fish, many fruits and vegetables, crispy bread and yogurt, chocolate sometimes. I drink tea and do not eat fast food, frozen food, a lot of meat and do not drink coke or other soft drinks. Of course there are exceptions every now and then, but rarely. 
It’s not like I’m fighting my cravings for unhealthy food or sweets, but I just got a totally new view on this kind of food. It doesn’t make me feel good, it tastes unnaturally, it doesn’t make me feel full. I just don’t want to eat it.
To some extent I consider it inedible, like McDonald’s or something.
At ARI, we ate what we had grown and harvested, and it made me feel good. Food that I buy and warm up, that someone else produced and sold, I just don’t feel like eating really.
If I do feel like I want some of it at some times, I won’t stop myself. But I will ban it from my weekly or daily menu.
This may sound unhealthy to an extent, but I make sure to get enough food, fat and vitamins and enough water every day. And to mix it up, not just eat one thing, even if it is healthy.
Combining this with sports makes me feel good and loose weight without making my body suffer.
It takes a bit of discipline every now and then, but all in all it’s fun. Cause I don’t take in food that you can tell is bad by the looks of it. Food makes your body and I don’t want to be made up of pizza, fries, chips and hamburgers.
I really started to enjoy eating instead of counting calories and restricting myself. But enjoy the taste of vegetables and rice, dark bread with honey and fresh yogurt with berries. And it lifts my spirits 🙂
It may also help me cope with stress and anxiety and get me back to the person that I was at ARI. Not the bitch that I’ve become around my family. Cause I do feel I changed for the better at ARI, even though that doesn’t show at the moment.
Tonight it’s my sister’s birthday. You know what? I will eat cake and enjoy it.


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