Soo, the clock is nearing 1 o’clock and I am tipsy because my flatmates and I played table tennis and drunk vodka with maracuja juice. Yay!
Today is a “reflect on your life” day, which, because my life is only 24 years old, meant reflecting my youth (aka teenage years) and thus meant listening to My Chemical Romance and pondering about love and relationships. I found love sucks and I want to get drunk & dance tomorrow. So, yay to progressing from your teenage self to young adult self! Same old!
Yesterday we went to a pub downtown and had some beer, and some talks, about love, life and drugs. I was fascinated by a friend of mine who admitted she’d tried ecstasy among other drugs. Since I’ve never gone any further than smoking pot every 100 years, it amazed me hearing stories from someone who’s gone way further. And it also reminded me that you never never never know someone’s story until they tell you. And there are so many untold stories in the world…
I’ve been wanting to tell my story for a while now, but I don’t know who I want to be my audience. I know that, probably, many will have experienced similar things, so this wouldn’t be such a rare experience after all. But there’s just never been any opportunity to speak out about it. “Hey, by the way, someone tried to rape me when I did my semester abroad. So, how’s that wine tasting?”
Also, since I’ve been in a mess every time I went abroad (earthquakes, nuclear catastrophes, harassment/sexual abuse, yay!), I’m kind of unsure what the next time abroad will bring. Something good please…?
It’s just, my life, as so many other’s at the moment, is at a crossing. I have not the slightest clue of where it will lead me, though I do have the opportunity to shape the coming, well, 2 years. That is what I am doing right now. After nearly four year, it feels really strange to be deciding all for myself now. Only considering myself, noone else. Noone to cling to, I only have myself to blame for how my future works out (at least partially). Maybe that is why I am so keen on trying to get a scholarship, finding more jobs, making enough money to be able to do what I wish to, the coming two years. So eager to find awesome internship placements, go abroad, study Spanish and Japanese so that I will be fluent at the end of this.
Somehow I feel like I’m strangely deattached to my emotions, because I feel like I must be devastated inside, but I’m doing a good job covering it up with work, school, crafting, art. It does reveal, when I draw. But I sense an abyss underneath that I am ignoring right now. Maybe it’s not there really. Maybe I imagine there must be one because of all the shit that has happened. One way or another, it might be a good time, a perfect time to talk about stuff to someone, though.
Whatever there may be, buried or not, I’m excited anyway, for all the projects at the moment! Even if I’m all alone, it feels empowering to carve out my own way. I’ll follow it, gladly.